


I don't deserve it (he really does)

by saltandpepur



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alive Simon, Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, North and Markus never got together as it seemed to forced to me, Pacifist Route, Post Revolution, Suicidal Thoughts, Why do I hurt Connor like so, insecure connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 20:36:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15032753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltandpepur/pseuds/saltandpepur
Summary: "Panic began to simmer beneath his skin, weariness and...fear? Amanda could still be in there, could still take over and make him kill Markus. And then what? Just another body to his ever growing count? Another innocent person sacrificed for the mission? Another reason that Connor didn't deserve to join the deviants?"





	I don't deserve it (he really does)

The revolution was over, Connor thought as he walked aimlessly through the deserted streets of Detroit. The majority of the humans had fled to safety when the fighting broke out, while those that remained stayed holed up in their houses, waiting. The fighting may be over but there were still a lot of things to work out, mostly political, in which Connor knew he would be of no help.

After he had freed the androids from CyberLife and they officially won, the androids had all gathered in New Jericho, a reprieve from the drama and death to rest and repair. 

Connor hadn't been invited along. 

Not that he blamed them, if it weren't for him so many more deviants would still be alive. He may have shifted the balance to win, but that was after he almost completely destroyed their chances in the first place.

Funny how the easiest emotion for him to grasp was self loathing.

He approached an empty park and collapsed on a snowy bench. The whole area was deserted, not even another set of footprints to be seen. He thought of the other androids having fun, celebrating, not missing him and at all and an ache built up in his chest. Panicking, Connor ran a scan:

Scanning...biocomponents  
Biocomponents...ok

The scan faded from his vision and the ache remained. The emotion overwhelmed him and the image of Hank lying on the floor with his gun entered Connor's mind. It would be so easy to leave now. CyberLife wouldn't be replacing him anymore, his next death was his final death. 

The snow began to fall heavier and Connor's sensors registered the temperature change but didn't process it. He hardly felt free. It had all been planned from the beginning, his deviancy, his willingness to join Jericho. He was a tool, a weapon and he fell right into their trap. How could he be free when everything he knew anyway was a lie? Panic began to simmer beneath his skin, weariness and...fear? Amanda could still be in there, could still take over and make him kill Markus. And then what? Just another body to his ever growing count? Another innocent person sacrificed for the mission? Another reason that Connor didn't deserve to join the deviants?

The snow was piling up, slowly burying him. His body protested as his temperature regulator went into overdrive trying to keep his system warm. 

A crunch of snow behind him. Connor's programming yelled at him to jump into defensive mode, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe they would kill him, maybe they wouldn't. Only time would tell.

"Connor? Fucking hell, what are you doing? You're going to freeze!" An annoyed voice said from behind him. A hand pulled him up and turned him around. Connor's brown eyes met Hank's, concern shining in them.

He didn't deserve that concern.

"Lieutenant?" Connor asked.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Hank continued as he pulled Connor along the path to the park exit. 

Connor didn't answer. Hank turned back to look at him.

"Connor?"

Connor glanced up, aware of how his eyes were damp. A tear slipped down his face and onto the snow, leaving a cool trail. Hank surveyed him slowly.

"When Markus came looking for you I was...I was scared. I thought you'd gone with them, and they thought you were with me."

Connor looked up slowly from where his head had slowly lowered again. His eyebrows furrowed and his lips parted slightly in confusion. "Markus?"

"Yeah. Wanted you to join their little after party or something, I dunno." Hank slowed his pace when he realised that Connor's steps were slowing. 

"But...why?" Connor asked as they began to approach Hank's house.

"Why?" Hank said, incredulous. "You fuckin' saved the revolution, Connor."

Connor simply shook his head and followed Hank up the steps to his house. Sumo barked from inside and Connor smiled sadly at how much he would miss him.

The door opened and Connor stumbled as he saw who was waiting inside. 

"M-Markus?" He stuttered. 

Markus immediately pulled Connor into a crushing hug. Hesitantly, Connor placed his arms on Markus' waist and shoulder and pulled him the tiniest bit closer.

"I was worried, Connor. I was confused when you didn't join us but we thought maybe you'd come here. When Hank hadn't seen you I really began to panic. Where were you?" He murmured, still not letting go. 

Hank rolled his eyes and pushed them inside a little, closing the door a little and sitting down on the sofa with Sumo. 

"I went for a walk," Connor stated simply. Markus pulled away slightly and looked him in the eyes. Slowly, he raised a hand and wiped a stray tear.

"You've been crying."

Connor remained silent.

Still holding onto him, Markus guided him to the sofa to sit down.

"Why didn't you come with us?" He asked gently.

"I don't deserve it," Connor said breathlessly. Almost too quiet to be heard.

Both Hank and Connor looked up sharply.

"What so you mean by that?" Hank questioned.

"I killed so many deviants," Connor explained tiredly. "I lead them to Jericho. I terrified Ralph. I tortured that deviant from the tower. I almost killed you several times, Markus."

"Several times?" Markus asked carefully.

Connor's eyes became blank. "When we were on that stage...CyberLife gained control over me. Everything, even my deviancy had been planned to thwart the revolution. I was a tool, a weapon. I could've - I did - ruin everything."

Both Markus and Hank looked at Connor as if they couldn't believe what they were hearing. 

"Connor...none of that was your fault. You weren't in control. But now you're _free_."

"Am I? My whole life was planned to be a weapon, and CyberLife could regain control at any point. I'm a danger to the cause, to you. Both of you." Connor explained desperately. "Perhaps I should...go away, for a while," he proposed, wording carefully. 

But not carefully enough if the look Hank shot him spoke any lengths. 

"What do you mean, 'go away'?" Hank almost growled.

Markus looked confused. "But if getting away from the rebellion will benefit his health...?" He began. 

"He doesn't mean it the way you think, Markus."

Connor looked away guiltily, not wanting to meet their eyes. Was it bad for him to want an easy way out now? He should face the consequences, but his newfound emotions were clouding his head and he new there was no forgiveness for him.

Markus' face filled with realisation. 

"Connor...I know I can't talk you out of this. But please, come to Jericho first. Maybe you'll change your mind." He said desperately. His mismatched eyes were filled with an emotion that Connor couldn't recognise. He turned to Hank who had a similar emotion, albeit not as strongly. 

Connor nodded before he properly processed the request. He wanted Markus to stop frowning, which confused him. Making people happy had never been part of his program. 

Markus smiled and stood, holding out a hand to Connor. Connor stared at it before slowly grabbing it, the contact sensing sparks of emotion to his mind as his LED flickered orange for a few seconds. 

"Let's go."

-

New Jericho was situated in the house of the late Carl Manfred, who had left it for Markus when he died despite androids having no right to property when he died.

"He was like a father to me," Markus explained. "He really believed that I could change the world."

The number of androids there was significantly less than at the fight. Many, such as Kara and Alice, had left for Canada, deciding to try their luck at the border. Some has returned to their human families, others forming android families. 

There were androids Connor recognised immediately: Simon, North, Josh, Ralph and some Jerry's. Then there were others, still in their generic CyberLife issued uniform, repeat models everywhere. 

Markus pulled Connor towards the androids he knew. Connor braced himself for rejection as they saw him approach. 

"Connor," Simon said. "You're okay."

"I...yes?" Connor said, moreso a question than an answer. He looked into Simon's eyes and felt a flash of pain as he remembered Daniel. The android who had trusted him. The android he had betrayed. 

"Why didn't you come?" North asked.

Connor just stared at them. "I didn't think you'd want me," he said with conviction. "I murdered a lot of your own, don't forget."

They didn't even flinch. 

"You weren't in control," Josh said, resting a hand on his arm. 

"You blame yourself." North stated. "You feel guilty over all the deaths you caused and believe you don't belong here. You want to..." her voice trailed off. It was only then that Connor realised what she had somehow managed to figure out. 

"This was a bad idea," Connor whispered to Markus. 

Markus simply shook his head and rested an arm on his shoulder. 

It was then that Connor saw another android approach. Ralph. Connor instantly shrunk back, expecting something, _anything_ from him. 

They stood for a few moments in silence. 

"I'm sorry, Ralph," Connor began. "I'm so sorry."

Ralph stared at him for a moment.

"Ralph forgives you."

Connor looked up, confused. 

"Ralph knows you has no control, yes, yes, Ralph knows. Ralph forgives friend." He reached out and pat his shoulder twice.

Connor was bewildered. Markus smiled gently at him and steered in into an adjacent room - an empty studio. 

"See?" Markus said. "They don't blame you. I don't blame you."

Connor hummed in thought. "But why not? I deserve their hatred."

"No. You don't." Markus sat down and Connor followed suit.

"Soon, all those androids will be in their news homes. We sorted out the property problem, and now it's perfectly legal for an android to own property. Soon, I'll be alone in this house."

Connor's heart ached to take away his burdens, but he tactfully kept silent. 

"If...if you wouldn't mind..." Markus began. "Would you like to stay here with me?"

Connor stared at him. Markus, the ever so confident revolution leader was nervously glancing around the room, seemingly anywhere but at Connor, and playing with his hands.

"I...I would like that - if you're sure." 

Markus smiled at him, a blinding smile that caused Connor to lose his proverbial breath momentarily. He was...beautiful. 

-

Connor approached Hank's house to let him know of the new situation. The dark thoughts still lurked, and he knew that they would return with full force as soon as the happiness - euphoria, although Connor wasn't experienced enough with emotions to recognise that one - faded. 

Hank opened the door immediately and pulled him inside. 

"Change of heart then?" He asked.

Connor nodded slowly. "I am going to keep Markus company at his home once the androids have left."

Hank smirked. "Moving in with your boyfriend already?" He teased.

Connor flushed blue, a feat he wasn't even aware he could achieve. "He is not my boyfriend," he protested.

"Not yet," Hank grunted as he downed a bottle of beer. "Your crush isn't exactly subtle."

Connor pretended not to hear and blanked Hank as he walked towards Sumo.

"Soon you'll see," Hank said slyly.

**Author's Note:**

> I love him really I'm sorry 
> 
> Let me know if you find any errors 
> 
> Also do you know how hard ir is describing emotions in someone's who doesn't understand them??


End file.
